This is the coldest winter in years. Everything is grey: a sad, vulgar shade of grey. Draughts rip the atmosphere, slicing the skin, howling at all hours like banshees. There has been no sun. Except one morning when i woke up to find all shadows turned gold- I knew you were home.
I had been dying to see you and you walked away, without even acknowledging my presence. That was last week. Late morning. I was trudging home. Broken. The Gods won’t listen to my heart. I have been crying. In secret. In dark corners of bedrooms, under blankets, in bathrooms. Everywhere.
New Year’s Day-
You said you love another girl. You said you don’t love me.
And suddenly there was no more Hope. Since then everything has been black.
You are leaving. Going away over a thousand kilometres from me. And no, I do not know how to be the one who is left behind.
On the inside I am broken. I wish I had realized earlier how difficult it would be to be without you. The very mention of your absence hurts. I wish I had known how much I love you, loved you ever since that autumn day almost seven years back. I wish I could rush into your arms and pour out my heart, call myself “yours.”
Living on Escitalopram isn’t life. It saves the pain for later. I cannot shut out that raw, cruel pain. Out of the darkness, it jumps at me, hungry and suddenly I cannot breath. Like I’m choked, strangled. I gasp, my mind rills. As if everything happy is lost. I collapse.
No, dad, it isn’t low blood pressure. It is heartbreak. Abandonment. Blackness.
And from behind shut eyes, the tears spring out, screaming unheard. It is only me who knows nothing save the sound of his voice, his smile, his touch will sooth me. If only he would know. If only you would know how this is killing me.
Few weeks and these alleys would be empty despite the hundreds of faces. Few weeks and this place will lose the only reason I stayed back.
Keep my heart safe. I have long lost it you.
Perhaps I am being stupid, but did you just smile at me?
Night after night I haven’t been able to sleep and I hardly care about dark circles anymore. My eyes twinkle brighter than stars. All night I reminisce those moments. Careless glances. Those moments I had to hide my eyes, scared they might spill out secrets. The heat that courses through my veins, the heartbeats I miss, those half-way thoughts, dangling breathes.
They call you la lune.
And I have been wondering why this restlessness, this strange something somewhere unexplored. Perhaps. Just perhaps-
I am in love with you.
I will forget you. I will have to forget you. Because I must.
There is a war inside me. I am a wreck, bleeding ever since. Call it crush, infatuation, call it limerence, any name, it would still smell of love. It frightens me, but deep within, I know I have lost my heart.
Wet afternoons. I draw your name on blue-grey clouds. It rains and I hide my tears in her cold arms. Everywhere I see, there is ecstasy- in wildflowers, ferns. Butterflies. Carefree hearts. Innocence and paper boats. Kisses beneath diffused halogen haze. Even darkness is a sweet shade of moss.
But no, this season does not rain wishing-stars.
Sometimes when I am lonely, I want to bottle up memories, petrichor. And your smile. That disarming smile. And hold them close. It isn’t that I am not trying. I am trying hard, trying to reason, to deny. I keep telling myself you will fade away, and you don’t.
Will there never be an end to this pain of longing?
The sky is ablaze with incense and prayers. And like everyone else I am glowing with the blush of autumn, beautifully amber. Dreamy-eyed. Happy.
October 10th. Durgashtami. The first time I saw you.
And never before had life been so poetically restless. You fill my mind, my every thought. Yellow tee. Yellow smile. An almost Italian color. You looked like a wilting hot house plant. Lean. Delicate. A perspiring stem. And suddenly I was searching for heartbeats.
Sunshine- that is who you are- my first crush.
The first shot of scarlet upon my cheeks. That little tremble of lips. Gasping on the inside. Everything seems different.
And the world is a blur.